Progress is impossible without change; and those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything.

I am sorry to have to introduce the subject of Christmas. It is an indecent subject; a cruel, gluttonous subject; a drunken, disorderly subject; a wasteful, disastrous subject; a wicked, cadging, lying, filthy, blasphemous and demoralizing subject. Christmas is forced on a reluctant and disgusted nation by the shopkeepers and the press: on its own merits it would wither and shrivel in the fiery breath of universal hatred; and anyone who looked back to it would be turned into a pillar of greasy sausages.

When an apparent miracle happened.it proved divine mission to the credulous, and proved a contract with the devil to the skeptical.

I must ... warn my readers that my attacks are directed against themselves, not against my stage figures.

All progress depends upon the unreasonable person.

A serious illness or a death advertises the doctor exactly as a hanging advertises the barrister who defended the person hanged.

Although I cannot lay an egg, I am a very good judge of omelettes