Everything I eat has been proved by some doctor or other to be a deadly poison, and everything I don't eat has been proved to be indispensable for life. But I go marching on.

Hegel was right when he said that we learn from history that men never learn anything from history.

I learned long ago, never to wrestle with a pig. You get dirty, and besides, the pig likes it.

My father must have had some elementary education for he could read and write and keep accounts inaccurately

Shall I turn up the light for you? No, give me deeper darkness. Money is not made in the light.

My way of joking is to tell the truth

Marriage is tolerable enough in its way if youre easygoing and dont expect too much from it. But it doesnt bear thinking about.