The chief objection to playing wind instruments is that it prolongs the life of the player.

All autobiographies are lies. I do not mean unconscious, unintentional lies: I mean deliberate lies.

I like to quote myself frequently and often, it makes me sound much more intelligent than I actually am.

To endure the pain of living, we all drug ourselves more or less with gin, with literature, with superstitions, with romance, with idealism, political, sentimental, and moral, with every possible preparation of that universal hashish: imagination.

To the person with a toothache, even if the world is tottering, there is nothing more important than a visit to a dentist.

Instruction in sex is as important as instruction in food; yet not only are our adolescents not taught the physiology of sex, but never warned that the strongest sexual attraction may exist between persons so incompatible in tastes and capacities that they could not endure living together for a week much less a lifetime.

The secret of being miserable is to have leisure to bother about whether you are happy or not. The cure for it is occupation, because occupation means pre-occupation; and the pre-occupied person is neither happy nor unhappy, but simply alive and active. That is why it is necessary to happiness that one should be tired.