One time, I was so hungry, I ate the beans in a bean bag chair.

I spend a lot of time alone and my wife understands that I need to be alone. I enjoy being alone. But I'm never lonely.

Obama is the closest thing to a Latino that we have. Barack. Everybody wants to see his birth certificate too.

I can never do nothing in this house!

By the time I was 11, I wanted to be a comedian. So all those years later, I've managed to achieve my dream as a kid, and it wasn't easy. I'm on the [Hollywood] Walk of Fame and I'm one of the 25 most influential Hispanics in America, according to Time Magazine. I think my duty is to go back and tell kids, 'Whatever color you are, wherever you come from, anything and everything is possible.' And I'm living proof.

80% of the women who were asked if they fake orgasms said yes. Actually, they said Yes! Oh God, Yes!

I'd shake his hand, but I think that's what's holding up his pants.