The trouble with tea is that originally it was quite a good drink. So a group of the most eminent British scientists put their heads together and made complicated biological experiments to find a way of spoiling it. To the eternal glory of British science, their labour bore fruit.

Continental people have a sex life; the English have hot-water bottles.

To be extravagant you need money. True. But you do not need your own money.

Rich people (in Australia) have swimming pools in their gardens but, at least, they do swim in them.

I have often thought that the aim of port is to give you a good and durable hangover, so that during the next day you should be reminded of the splendid occasion the night before.

In Moscow they do not pay much attention to the living but keep their cemeteries in a splendid state.

The country has always been governed by a coalition but today it is governed by a so-called Grand Coalition which is a more polite word for all and sundry.