There is more simplicity in the man who eats caviar on impulse than in the man who eats Grape-Nuts on principle.

As an explanation of the world materialism has a sort of insane simplicity. It has the quality of a madman's arguments; we have at once the sense of it covering everything and the sense of it leaving everything out.

The whole modern world has divided itself into Conservatives and Progressives. The business of Progressives is to go on making mistakes. The business of Conservatives is to prevent mistakes from being corrected.

Marriage halves our griefs, doubles our joys, and quadruples our expenses

The Universe is the most extraordinary masterpiece ever constructed by nobody.

Though I believe in liberalism, I find it difficult to believe in liberals.

Most Americans are born drunk, and really require a little wine or beer to sober them. They have a sort of permanent intoxication from within, a sort of invisible champagne. Americans do not need to drink to inspire them to do anything, though they do sometimes, I think, need a little for the deeper and more delicate purpose of teaching them how to do nothing.