Poor John Simon - what a nightmare, to wake up in the morning and realize that you are John Simon.

When you are brought up in a zoo, you know what's going on in the monkey house. You see a couple of monkeys loose and one is President and one is Vice President, you know it's trouble. Monkeys make trouble.

To a man, ornithologists are tall, slender, and bearded so that they can stand motionless for hours, imitating kindly trees, as they watch for birds.

In a nation that has developed to a high art advertising, the creator who refuses to advertise himself is immediately suspected of having no product worth selling.

Reality is something the human race doesn't handle very well.

World events are the work of individuals whose motives are often frivolous, even casual.

A talent for drama is not a talent for writing, but is ability to articulate human relationships.