The media treats fear like a one-night stand. They jump on it and then they leave the next day and they forget - remember the Alar Scare? Things - see, nobody even remembers Alar.

Eric Holder sees everything through the prism of race. He keeps that mustache because shaving cream is white.

I don't like the way my hair looks, so we're going to do the whole show over.

Some things get better with age. And then there's Madonna.

Move somewhere with decent public transit so you don't drive drunk and hit somebody.

I don't understand why a 40 is a quarter of beer when a 40 is 40 ounces. It's time to embrace the metric system.

I never quit. I just got fired.