As a politician, you only meet two types of people. People with problems, and people who are right.

In the Members' Dining Room, the Conservatives eat at one end, the Labour Party at the other, while the Liberals wait at table.

Gazing at the typewriter in moments of desperation I console myself with three thoughts. Alcohol at six, dinner at eight, and to be immortal you've got to be dead.

Praise makes me humble, but when I am abused, I know that I have touched the stars.

John Major. He dresses so well. And so quickly.

If you'd spent your life being called "Gyles Brandreth", you would crawl across broken glass to achieve the bliss, the simplicity, the purity, the joy of simply being called "Bob".

If God had meant us to go metric, why did he give Christ twelve apostles?