The trouble with Communism is the Communists, just as the trouble with Christianity is the Christians.

[Texas is] the place where there are the most cows and the least milk and the most rivers and the least water in them, and where you can look the farthest to see the least.

A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin or when he sees silver he looks for the cloud it lines. A wise happy person does the exact opposite.

[Government's] great contribution to human wisdom...is the discovery that the taxpayer has more than one pocket.

To denounce moralizing out of hand is to pronounce a moral judgment.

I well recall my horror when I heard for the first time, of a journalist who had laid in a pair of what were then called bicycle pants and taken to golf; it was as if I had encountered a studhorse with his hair done up in frizzes, and pink bowknots peeking out of them. It seemed, in some vague way, ignominious, and even a bit indelicate.

There is no idea so stupid that you can't find a professor who will believe it.