It is impossible to believe that the same God who permitted His own son to die a bachelor regards celibacy as an actual sin.

Life without sex might be safer but it would be unbearably dull. It is the sex instinct which makes women seem beautiful, which they are once in a blue moon, and men seem wise and brave, which they never are at all. Throttle it, denaturalize it, take it away, and human existence would be reduced to the prosaic, laborious, boresome, imbecile level of life in an anthill.

Man's objection to love is that it dies hard: women's, that when it is dead it stays dead.

How to Drink Like a Gentleman: The Things to Do and the Things Not To, as Learned in 30 Years' Extensive Research.

Never drink if you've got any work to do. Never.

Creator: A comedian whose audience is afraid to laugh.

Philadelphia is the most pecksniffian of American cities, and thus probably leads the world.