Never argue with a man whose job depends on not being convinced.

It reminds me of a string of wet sponges; it reminds me of tattered washing on the line; it reminds me of stale bean soup, of college yells, of dogs barking idiotically through endless nights. It is so bad that a sort of grandeur creeps into it. It drags itself up out of the dark abyss of pish and crawls insanely up the topmost pinnacle of posh. It is rumble and bumble. It is flap and doodle. It is balder and dash.

A man always blames the woman who fools him. In the same way he blames the door he walks into in the dark.

The first Rotarian was the first man to call John the Baptist Jack.

School days, I believe, are the unhappiest in the whole span of human existence. They are full of dull, unintelligible tasks, new and unpleasant ordinances, brutal violations of common sense and common decency. It doesn't take a reasonably bright boy long to discover that most of what is rammed into him is nonsense, and that no one really cares very much whether he learns it or not.

Progress: The process whereby the human race has got rid of whiskers, the vermiform appendix and God.

The only liberty an inferior man really cherishes is the liberty to quit work, stretch out in the sun, and scratch himself.