Genius: the ability to prolong one's childhood.

The objection of the scandalmonger is not that she tells of racy doings, but that she pretends to be indignant about them.

One seldom discovers a true believer that is worth knowing.

Never drink if you've got any work to do. Never.

It is impossible to think of a man of any actual force and originality, universally recognized as having those qualities, who spent his whole life appraising and describing the work of other men.

The average schoolmaster is, and always must be, an ass.

All that the Y.M.C.A.'s horse and rings really accomplished was to fill me with an ineradicable distaste, not only for Christian endeavor in all its forms, but also for every variety of calisthenics, so that I still begrudge the trifling exertion needed to climb in and out of a bathtub, and hate all sports as rabidly as a person who likes sports hates common sense. If I had my way no man guilty of golf would be eligible to any office of trust or profit under the United States, and all female athletes would be shipped to the white-slave corrals of the Argentine.