I smoke occasionally, but it's not a part of my routine. I mean, I don't need it.

I never use a napkin on my lap at a restaurant...because I believe in myself.

I have weird aspirations. Like, I really want to kick a pigeon.

When somebody mangles one of my jokes, that bothers me more than somebody saying that I'm the worst comedian ever.

God sounds kinda like a shitty father to me. If God was so powerful why'd he have to give his son up? It sounds like God owed someone some money and they couldn't get to him, so they murked his son. That's what I really think happened. Jesus got stabbed up in an alley... but it's easier to sell crucifixes. You can't sell a pendant of someone getting shanked up In the alley. It's a marketing scheme.

In my hometown of Chicago, I'm kind of a medium deal.

I don't want to die before Will Smith 'cause then I miss that awesome 'Fresh Prince of Bel-Air' marathon.