Music? Music is life! Itโs physical emotion - you can touch it! Itโs neon ecto-energy sucked out of spirits and switched into sound waves for your ears to swallow. Are you telling me, what, that itโs boring? You donโt have time for it?
Isaac MarionI crush her against me. I want to be part of her. Not just inside her but all around her. I want our rib cages to crack open and our hearts to migrate and merge. I want our cells to braid together like living thread.
Isaac Marion...and we'll see what happens when we say Yes while this rigor mortis world screams No.
Isaac MarionThat's why we have memory. And the opposite of memoryโ hope. So things that are gone can still matter. So we can built off our pasts and make future.
Isaac MarionHe is spent. His mind is mercury again, its brief surge of humanity melting into an oily residue on its surface, and he no longer understands the feelings he felt in that strange moment on the overpass. But he did feel them. They did happen. They rest on the murky seabed of his mind, buried under sand and silt and miles of grey waves. Patient seeds waiting for light.
Isaac MarionJust... ate," M says, frowning at me a little. "Two days...ago." I grab my stomach again. "Feel empty. Feel... dead." He nods. "Marr...iage.
Isaac MarionBut it does make me sad that we've forgotten our names. Out of everything, this seems to me the most tragic. I miss my own and I mourn for everyone else's, because I'd like to love them, but I don't know who they are.
Isaac MarionAnd yet ... But what if ... I want to do something impossible. Something astounding and unheard of. I want to scrub the moss off the Space Shuttle and fly Julie to the moon and colonise it, or float a capsized cruise ship to some distant island where no one will protest us, or just harness the magic that brings me into the brains of the Living and use it to bring Julie into mine, because it's warm in here, it's quiet and lovely, and in here we aren't an absurd juxtaposition, we are perfect.
Isaac MarionI don't want to hear music, I don't want the sunrise to be pink. The world is a liar. Its ugliness is overwhelming; the scraps of beauty make it worse.
Isaac MarionRegret is pointless. I never do anything without first deciding to do it based on facts and feelings, and if it doesn't work out how I hoped, oh well, there's another notch on my experience belt.
Isaac MarionItโs sad to see them staring wistfully through the window when the door isnโt locked.
Isaac MarionAre my words ever actually audible, or do they just echo in my head while people stare at me, waiting?
Isaac MarionI adapt to things quickly, including good things, which I wish I could shut off sometimes. My friends have to keep reminding me how crazy my life has become, and then it hits me fresh and I just slap my forehead and think, "Wait, what... ?"
Isaac MarionThereโs not really such thing as โgoodโ or โbadโ people, thereโs just likeโฆhumanity. And it gets broken sometimes.
Isaac MarionHere it comes. My inevitable death, ignoring me all those years when I wished for it daily, arriving only after I've decided I want to live forever.
Isaac MarionOnce again the absurdity of my inner thoughts overwhelms me, and I want to crawl out of my skin, escape my ugly, awkward flesh and be a skeleton, naked and anonymous.
Isaac MarionCame to . . . see you.โ โBut I had to go home, remember? You were supposed to say good-bye.โ โDon't know why you . . . say good-bye. I say . . . hello.โ Her lip quivers between reactions, but she ends up with a reluctant smile. โGod you're a cheeseball. But seriously, Rโ
Isaac MarionI know I'm not going to say good-bye. And if these staggering refugees want to help, if they think they see something bigger here than a boy chasing a girl, then they can help, and we'll see what happens when we say yes while the rigor mortis world screams no.
Isaac MarionDeep under our feet the Earth holds its molten breath, while the bones of countless generations watch us and wait.
Isaac MarionMy "heart". Does that pitiful organ still represent anything? It lies motionless in my chest, pumping no blood, serving no purpose, and yet my feelings still seem to originate inside its cold walls. My muted sadness, my vague longing, my rare flickers of joy. They pool in the center of my chest and seep out of there, diluted and faint, but real.
Isaac MarionPeel off these dusty wool blankets of apathy and antipathy and cynical desiccation. I want life in all its stupid sticky rawness.
Isaac MarionWe eat and sleep and shuffle through the fog, walking a marathon with no finish line, no medals, no cheering.
Isaac MarionBut I'm not afraid of the skeletons in Julie's closet. I look forward to meeting the rest of them, looking them hard in the eye, giving them firm, bone-crunching handshakes.
Isaac MarionMaybe this is why I sleep only a few hours a month. I don't want to die again. This has become clearer and clearer to me recently, a desire so sharp and focused I can hardly believe it's mine: I don't want to die. I don't want to disappear. I want to stay.
Isaac MarionWe will cry and bleed and lust and love, and we will cure death. We will be the cure. Because we want it.
Isaac MarionOne mistake, one brief lapse of my new found judgement-that's all it took to unravel everything. What a massive responsibility, being a moral creature.
Isaac MarionIn my mind I am eloquent; I can climb intricate scaffolds of words to reach the highest cathedral ceilings and paint my thoughts. But when I open my mouth, everything collapses.
Isaac MarionIt's not like I'm such a shiny happy person either, you know? I'm a wreck too, I'm just... still alive.
Isaac MarionAll my life I have battled the alarm clock, pummeling the snooze button over and over with mounting self-loathing until the shame is finally strong enough to lever me upright.
Isaac MarionIt's a strange feeling, being so utterly surrounded by her. Her life scent is on everything. She's on me and under me and next to me. It's as if the entire room is made out of her.
Isaac MarionIf there are rules, we're the ones making them. We can change them whenever we want to.
Isaac MarionThe world that birthed that story is long gone, all its people are dead, but it continues to touch the present and future because someone cared enough about that world to keep it. To put it in words. To remember it.
Isaac MarionLast winter, when so many Living joined the Dead and our prey became scarce, I watched some of my friends become full-dead. The transition was undramatic. They just slowed down, then stopped, and after a while I realised they were corpses. It disquieted me at first, but itโs against etiquette to notice when one of us dies. I distracted myself with some groaning.
Isaac MarionShe hugs me. It's tentative at first, a little scared, and yes, a little repulsed, but then she melts into it. She rests her head against my cold neck and embraces me. Unable to believer what's happening, I put my arm around her and just hold her. I almost swear I can feel my heart thumping. But it must just be hers, pressed tightly against my chest.
Isaac Marion