The boss is never your friend, even if you're sleeping with him.

The only thing more difficult than persuading someone else to start having sex with you is persuading yourself to stop.

I used to dream of true love; now I'm open to false, but convincing.

Know your load. That's rule numero uno in this business, which is why I make them count the penguins out in front of me one at a time. I'm not going to be the schmuck who shows up in Orlando twobirds short of a dinner party....I know I'm pulling out of Houston with exactly forty-two Gentoo penguins, seventeen Jamaican land iguanas, four tuataras from New Zealand, and a pair of rare, civet-like mammals called linsangs. No more, no less.

Marriage is like a series of opposing reflections, inverse images getting ever smaller like nesting dolls, each one of your trying to squeeze yourself smaller to fit inside the hopes of the other, until one of you cracks or stops existing.

Most people are far more concerned that they can control their own bodies than they are about petitioning Congress.

Always warm up the audience with a joke....If you are not a particularly funny person, make sure that you inform them that it's a joke.