Lifeโs a freaking messโฆ thereโs not one truth ever, just a bunch of stories, all going on at once, in our heads, in our hearts, all getting in the way of each other. Itโs all a beautiful calamitous mess.
Jandy NelsonHow will I survive this missing? How do others do it? People die all the time. Every day. Every hour. There are families all over the world staring at beds that are no longer slept in, shoes that are no longer worn. Families that no longer have to buy a particular cereal, a kind of shampoo. There are people everywhere standing in line at the movies, buying curtains, walking dogs, while inside, their hearts are ripping to shreds. For years. For their whole lives. I don't believe time heals. I don't want it to. If I heal, doesn't that mean I've accepted the world without her?
Jandy NelsonDreams change, yes, that makes sense, but I didn't know dreams could hide inside a person.
Jandy Nelson... if you're someone who knows the worst thing can happen at any time, aren't you also someone who knows the best thing can happen at any time too?
Jandy NelsonThis is our story to tell. Youโd think for all the reading I do, I would have thought about this before, but I havenโt. Iโve never once thought about the interpretative, the story telling aspect of life, of my life. I always felt like I was in a story, yes, but not like I was the author of it, or like I had any say in its telling whatsoever.
Jandy NelsonPeople die, I think, but your relationship with them doesn't. It continues and is ever-changing.
Jandy NelsonIt's such a colossal effort not to be haunted by what's lost, but to be enchanted by what was.
Jandy NelsonThis is what I want: I want to grab my brotherโs hand and run back through time, losing years like coats falling from our shoulders.
Jandy NelsonMy grandmother thinks it's really funny to put all sorts of things in our - my lunch. I never know what'll be inside: e.e. cummings, flower petals, a handful of buttons. She seems to have lost sight of the original purpose of the brown bag." - Lennie "Or maybe she thinks other forms of nourishment are more important." - Joe
Jandy NelsonThere once was a girl who found herself dead. She peered over the ledge of heaven and saw that back on earth her sister missed her too much, was way too sad, so she crossed some paths that would not have crossed, took some moments in her hand shook them up and spilled them like dice over the living world. It worked. The boy with the guitar collided with her sister. "There you go, Len," she whispered. "The rest is up to you.
Jandy NelsonI have an impulse to write all over the orange walls- I need an alphabet of endings ripped out of books, of hands pulled off of clocks, of cold stones, of shoes filled with nothing but wind.
Jandy NelsonAnd then he smiles, and in all the places around the globe where it's night, day breaks.
Jandy NelsonRemember how it was when we kissed? Armfuls and armfuls of light thrown right at us. A rope dropping down from the sky. How can the word love and the word life even fit in the mouth?
Jandy NelsonI know the expression love bloomed is metaphorical, but in my heart in this moment, there is one badass flower, captured in time-lapse photography, going from bud to wild radiant blossom in ten seconds flat.
Jandy NelsonMeeting your soul mate is like walking into a house you've been in before - you will recognize the furniture, the pictures on the wall,the books on the shelves, the contents of drawers: You could find your way around in the dark if you had to.
Jandy NelsonWe were all heading for each other on a collision course, no matter what. Maybe some people are just meant to be in the same story.
Jandy NelsonI always imagined music trapped inside my clarinet, not trapped inside of me. But what if music is what escapes when a heart breaks?
Jandy NelsonThis is the secret I kept from you, Bails, from myself too: I think I liked that Mom was gone, that she could be anybody, anywhere, doing anything. I liked that she was our invention, a woman living on the last page of the story with only what we imagined spread out before her. I liked that she was ours, alone.
Jandy NelsonShe's a sun-kissed beach girl who goes gothgrungepunkhippierockeremocoremetalfreakfashionistabraingeekboycrazyhiphoprastagirl to keep it under wraps.
Jandy NelsonGrief and love are conjoined, you don't get one without the other. All I can do is love her, and love the world, emulate her by living with daring and spirit and joy.
Jandy NelsonThe first thing I notice is the sky, so full of blue and the kind of brilliant white clouds that make you ecstatic to have eyes. Nothing can go wrong under this sky.
Jandy NelsonSometimes you think you know things, know things very deeply, only to realize you don't know a damn thing.
Jandy NelsonHe doesn't have to say it, i feel it too; it's not subtle - like every bell for miles and miles is ringing at once, loud and clanging, hungry ones and tiny, happy, chiming ones, all of them sounding off in this moment. I put my hands around his neck, pull him to me, and then he's kissing me hard and so deep, and i am flying, sailing, soaring.
Jandy NelsonAnd why do English people sound smarter than the rest of us? Like they should be awarded the Nobel Prize for a simple greeting?
Jandy NelsonYears ago, I was crashed in gramโs garden and Big asked me what I was doing. I told him I was looking up at the sky. He said, โThatโs a misconception, Lennie, the sky is everywhere, it begins at your feet.
Jandy NelsonI gasp, because Isn't that just exactly what I've been doing too: writing poems and scattering them to the winds with the same hope as Gram that someone, someday, somewhere might understand who I am, who my sister was, and what happened to us.
Jandy NelsonThe guy's life drunk, I think, makes Candide look like a sourpuss. Does he even know that death exists?
Jandy NelsonFor the first time in our lives, Iโm somewhere she canโt find, and I donโt have the map to give her that leads to me.
Jandy NelsonI heard this expression once: Each time someone dies, a library burns. I'm watching it burn right to the ground.
Jandy NelsonBut then I think about my sister and what a shell-less turtle she was and how she wanted me to be one too. C'mon, Lennie, she used to say to me at least ten times a day. C'mon Len. And that makes me feel better, like it's her life rather than her death that is now teaching me how to be, who to be.
Jandy Nelson