Get me a gun. If I don't go into labor soon, I'm going to shoot myself. And pass the gravy. Pass it now." Valerie - To the Nines

I'd kiss you, but you smell like a gym bag.

How many times have I told you not to hit people in the face. You kick them in the body where it doesn't show.

Suppose something goes wrong? Suppose you need a big full-figure woman like me to help straighten things out?" Lula

As long as he has a house with two bathrooms. I swear to God, I don't care if he's Jack the Ripper.

My father hired you to protect me," Ahmed said, "not to go off chasing men." Grandma leaned forward, keeping her eye on the Taurus. "We think this guy killed Fred." "Who's Fred?" "My uncle," I told him. "He's married to Mabel." "Ah so you're avenging a murder in the family. This is a good thing.

And when I was in the trunk, I saw Jesus. And the Virgin Mary. And Ozzy Osbourne.