Before I realized I had faults, I was already joking about it, to get attention. By the time I went to high school, I had a pretty practiced routine down.

Before I realized I had faults, I was already joking about it, to get attention. By the time I went to high school, I had a pretty practiced routine down.

The short version is that I started an internet diary a long, long time ago (six years!) because I was bored with my job. I figured I would write a few funny things a few times a week until I had enough material to do stand-up. After two or three weeks, I emailed it to some friends. They emailed it to other friends, and more people started reading. Eventually, I realized that stand-up was scary and it would be much easier to just keep writing this stuff at work.

When you get older, you realize something: all those stupid mores and customs related to how a man should comport himself in the "game" of courtship are just that - stupid. Age affords you this blend of apathy and confidence - with a little bit of wisdom thrown in - that allows you to say, "Hey, I am attracted that girl over there, so I'm going to introduce myself. If it doesn't work out, that's fine. If it does, terrific. Either way, I lose nothing for trying."

I'm really only capable to two emotions at this point: lust and hunger. I lost revenge a few years back, and even then, it was reserved only for ex-girlfriends and particular football games that caused me to lose a lot of money.

My dad and I are very different people. For example, he's been stabbed; I'm afraid of bugs. He's a mechanic; I once had to exchange a "broken" rental car because I didn't realize I was driving around with the parking brake on. I could keep going, but you get it.

The first rule of PR is to get out in front of the story, and I think I was practicing that. It was also a weapon. I was also fortunate, despite being fat and nerdy, that I was never bullied. I could jump out in front, I was like, "Before you call me fat, do you have any extra mayonnaise?"