You know, it shows how old I am. I can remember the good old days when the president picked the Supreme Court justices instead of the other way around.

The first Olympic Games were held in 776 BC. Do you know who lit the flame? Betty White.

The big story now is that President Bush is coming under attack for his service in the National Guard. The White House said, 'no no,' that they have payroll records to show that he served in the National Guard. But today, the commanding officers can't remember seeing Bush between May and October of '72. President Bush said, 'Remember me? I'm the drunk guy. Remember me?'

How about this John Edwards thing? Imagine that, a personal injury attorney who turns out to be a sleaze ball. Who could have seen that coming?

Women get a little more excited about New Year's Eve than men do. It's like an excuse: you drink too much, you make a lot of promises you're not going to keep; the next morning as soon as you wake up you start breaking them. For men, we just call that a date.

It looks like Rudy Giuliani is out of the race. Finally, a Republican with an exit strategy.

President Obama’s approval ratings are so low now, Kenyans are accusing him of being born in the United States.