You know what Ken Lay had for breakfast this morning? Shredded Wheat.

I wanted to have a career in sports when I was young, but I had to give up the idea. I'm only six feet tall, so I couldn't play basketball. I'm only 190 pounds, so I couldn't play football, and I have 20/20 vision, so I couldn't be a referee.

It looks like Rudy Giuliani is out of the race. Finally, a Republican with an exit strategy.

Show business is like Champagne. You'll appreciate it more if you don't drink it everyday

George W. Bush says he spends sixty to ninety minutes a day working out. He says he works out because it clears his mind. Sometimes just a little too much.

President Bush has urged people to get back to normal and today Congress announced that they are accepting bribes again.

You could do anything in your room at college. You could smoke pot, live in a coed dorm, have a girl. But you couldn't have a . . . hot plate!