More bad news for the Taliban. Remember how they are promised 72 virgins when they die? Turns out that it's only one 72-year-old virgin.

For some reason, the Secret Service revealed this, that Sarah Palin's Secret Service code name is 'Denali.' Turns out 'Denali' is an old Eskimo name that means 'Dan Quayle.'

I was going to start off tonight with an Obama joke but I don't want to get audited by the IRS.

If God had wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.

The latest report is that Osama bin Laden has shaved his beard, is wearing Western clothes and has had plastic surgery. Isn't that amazing? The guy has made just two videos and he's already gone Hollywood.

John McCain said that Barack Obama is already measuring the drapes in the White House. That's what he said. I understand Sarah Palin is already driving McCain around to look at assisted living facilities.

According to USA Today, 74 percent of Americans plan to hand out candy this Halloween. Although President Obama thinks it should be just the top 1 percent.