There's a new Osama bin Laden video. He's the only person that is looking thin during the holidays. How does he do it? I think he's going to Jenny Craig.

Even Arnold's adviser says he was shocked by his decision to run. I mean, his people were backstage that night and they had no idea. He totally fooled them. Who knew Arnold was that good of an actor? If he had done that in a movie, he'd have an Academy Award by now.

President Bush announced tonight that he believes in democracy and that democracy can exist in Iraq. They can have a strong economy, they can have a good health care plan, and they can have a free and fair voting. Iraq? We can't even get this in Florida.

Thanksgiving began in 1621 when Native Americans sat down with a bunch of undocumented pilgrims. They had dinner and the pilgrims never left.

Barack Obama now says he is open to offshore oil drilling. So, apparently, when he promised change, he was talking about his mind.

Actually, you know who gave the shortest inauguration speech in history? George Washington. It was only like three minutes long. Well, sure. George Washington couldn't tell a lie.

More bad news for the Taliban. Remember how they are promised 72 virgins when they die? Turns out that it's only one 72-year-old virgin.