They always say the Miss America Pageant isn't a beauty contest, it's really a scholarship program. If that's the case, why don't we just put all the contestants on 'Jeopardy!' and pick Miss America that way? At least you get the smartest one.

For the first time in history, sex is more dangerous than the cigarette afterward.

The first Olympic Games were held in 776 BC. Do you know who lit the flame? Betty White.

Donald Trump says that he will not run for president. You know why? He can't find his birth certificate.

Have you seen the cover of Newsweek? They have Martha Stewart on the cover, but it's not actually Martha. It's a doctored photo. They put Martha's head on a slimmer woman's body. And Martha was very upset about this. She said, 'Hey, if I wanted my face on another woman's body, I'd stay in prison.'

This is a strange country we live in. When it comes to electing a President, we get two choices. But when we have to select a Miss America, we get 50.

Stephen Hawking is getting a divorce. That's scary. If the smartest guy in the world can't figure out women, we're screwed.