If you introduce yourself to anyone as Mrs. Dracula, I'll bite you in a manner you won't enjoy.

This wasn't the first time I'd woken up as a captive. It wasn't even the second. I so needed to reevaluate my life choices.

I’m the only authentic Vlad. Everyone else is merely an envious imitation.

The servants must wait like ninjas for me to leave so they could render this place spotless again.

You either trust me or you don't. I've never let you down, and I won't walk away unless you make me. Period. Now, unless you have a real emergency, I'd like to get back to my vacation. And my corpse, thanks.

I think Mount Everest is gorgeous, too, but that doesn’t mean I have any intention of trying to climb it

You know, in addition to your mind-reading abilities, I may have absorbed some sluttiness from your blood.