Nothing in life is fair. Fair is a dirty word and I'll thank you not to use that language around me.

Really now: If you can't get me my newspaper on time, how can you expect me to refrain from killing people?

Saturday morning was their unrestricted television time, and they usually took advantage of it to watch a series of cartoon shows that would certainly have been impossible before the discovery of LSD.

I let it ring. I wanted to breathe for a few minutes, and I could think of nothing that couldn't wait. Besides, I had paid almost $50 for an answering machine. Let it earn its keep.

And as always seems to happen when I have reached the point where I am ready to take decisive action, everything began to happen at once.

I am unlovable...I have tried to involve myself in other people, in relationships, and even - in my sillier moments - in love. But it doesn't work. Something in me is broken or missing and sooner or later the other person catches me Acting or one of Those Nights comes along.

And so as much as I can, I care about her, dear Deborah. It's probably not love, but I would rather she were happy.