I try to be appreciative of what I have instead of bitter about what I’ve lost.
If you enjoyed high school, you were probably a psychopath or a cheerleader. Or possibly both.
One ox, two oxen. One fox, two foxen.
...you are defined not by life's imperfect moments, but by your reaction to them.
When I was little, my father used to sell guns and ammo at a sporting goods store, but I always told everyone he was an arms dealer, because it sounded more exciting.
[On acupuncture:] The needles are small and won't hurt at all. In fact, they'll feel good. Ha, ha! Just kidding. They feel like needles. Because they are.