I love fat people. Every fat person says it's not their fault, that they have gland trouble. You know which gland? The saliva gland.

How many elderly people you see have to leave the house they've had their whole life because their fixed income and their property taxes keep rising every year and they can't afford to stay there. And nobody gives a crap about it, and they're booted out, they have to leave their homes.

My children were attacked by the Minnesota media when I was governor.

I think that when Americans go to vote, states should not list what party the candidates are affiliated with. That would require voters to actually think and get to know a candidate instead of voting for their favorite gang. 'Oh, this guy is a Republican, so he must be good.'

A bag of quality marijuana in Minnesota will cost you 400 bucks, in Colorado it'll cost you 100 and a quarter. Medical Marijuana, a pill that you've got to pay for - which, it's allowed in Minnesota, but it's so restricted - costs $600 a month. If you live in Colorado you can get the same medical marijuana for $30 a month. See why it needs to be legalized across the board?

When you live in Mexico, your houses all have names.

If you behave like a good citizen, and you upgrade and improve your property, your reward will be the government will take more money from you. So using that analogy, you should let your house become the shithole on the block and they'll reduce your taxes and you'll pay less. Be a bad citizen with your neighbors, right? You'll save money then.