I wouldn't mind gigging around the same era as Jesus, after he gives his speech about the meek and how blessed they are and all that type of bullshit, going up there and doing a flat 20 [minutes]. I reckon I'd have better stagecraft and presence than Jesus. Yea, I'm a better stand-up comedian than Jesus, so I reckon I could go on after him.

As for basic jokes about sex and even my religious stuff, I don't find any problems with that, even if I'm gigging in the Bible Belt, because religious people don't come and see me.

Christians are like a thirteen year old kid who still believes in Santa.

There's a lot of guys up there who like wearing a suit or try doing jokes that they think will play to a certain crowd, or maybe get them corporate work. I've always written jokes that I would want to hear. So, I'm trying to entertain myself more than anything.

Nobody cares that you're smart and nobody cares that your kids don't have bruises.

In the stand-up comedy top, there's room for everyone - if you're good, there's room for everyone. You'll put on your own show - no one casts you. You cast your own show as a stand-up comedian. When you get good at stand-up comedy you book a theater and if people show up, people show up. If people don't show up, people don't show up. You don't have a director or a casting agent or anybody saying if you're good enough - the audience will decide.

I don't think I've ever prayed in my entire life, never sat and had an imaginary chat with God.