After months of negotiations, Iran has finally agreed to reduce its nuclear weapons program. Which was great until Putin showed up and said, 'Hi, I'm here about Craigslist ad for nukes.'

The BP president said yesterday that the company would survive. That's like someone running over your dog and saying, 'Don't worry, my car is fine.'

Yesterday, the White House confirmed that President Obama will meet with Pope Francis during his visit in September. Some experts are wondering if they'll discuss their disagreement over contraception. Then Joe Biden said, 'I didn't even know they were dating.'

A new poll also shows that a majority of people in Colorado think Hillary Clinton is not trustworthy. Although, that's not saying much coming from the most paranoid state in America. 'Hillary Clinton? She's a cop?'

Now that the midterm elections are over, President Obama has invited congressional leaders from both parties to a meeting at the White House tomorrow. When asked if he's nervous, Obama said, 'Oh, I'm not going to be there. I just invited them over. They can figure it out themselves.'

The 'Tonight Show' didn't seem like an actual job that you could have. All you remember is you watched Johnny Carson, and you never thought he would retire.

I'm going to North Pole to help out Santa this year.