We picked the Red Sox because they lose. If you root for something that loses for 86 years, you're a pretty good fan. You don't have to win everything to be a fan of something.

Listening is more important than talking. Just hit your mark and believe what you say. Just listen to people and react to what they are saying.

After months of negotiations, Iran has finally agreed to reduce its nuclear weapons program. Which was great until Putin showed up and said, 'Hi, I'm here about Craigslist ad for nukes.'

Jeb Bush gave a speech yesterday. He had a pretty rough time. He accidentally said that ISIS has 200,000 men instead of 20,000, and then he mispronounced the name of the terrorist group Boko Haram. So if history has taught us anything, Jeb is well on his way to winning the White House.

The TSA's airport body scanners have been shown to be so ineffective, the Homeland Security chairman suggested using traditional metal detectors. While LaGuardia will continue to just have a scarecrow dressed as a cop.

Sometimes I wish I had a terrible childhood, so that at least I'd have an excuse.

Thank you, people who say 'Wow, you're really photogenic,' for not saying what you really mean: 'Wow, you're really ugly in person.'