Apple is developing a service called Home Kit that will allow people to operate gadgets like garage openers and thermostats through one app. In related news, please don't tell my parents about this. I can't be explaining this stuff every week.

In a speech in South Carolina, Donald Trump responded to criticisms from Senator Lindsey Graham by giving out Graham's personal cellphone number. Graham knew something was up when he saw he had more than one missed call.

I didn't invent the rainy day. I just own the best umbrella.

I just feel like people like a little break. Especially at 12:37 at night, you go, like, 'I'm just tired of the snarky right now. I just want to lie down and have somebody make me laugh for an hour. Entertain me, and then I'm going to sleep with a smile on my face.' That's my job; that's what I do.

If you're a sports fan you realize that when you meet somebody, like a girlfriend, they kind of have to root for your team. They don't have a choice.

I like to see people laugh who are normally serious.

Don't keep reaching for the stars because you'll just look like an idiot stretching that way for no reason.