I like the purity of stand-up because it is all about whether people laugh at your jokes. Either they laugh or they don't.

When you get to know someone, you find there's something nasty in their woodshed.

I used to get nervous about three weeks before a gig... now I've managed to condense it down to a manageable ten minutes.

I'm too nervous to eat before I go onstage, and I'll usually eat out after the performance or when I get home at midnight.

As the Tories know, the problem with setting yourself up as a shining example for others to follow is that when you get caught out, that proverbial substance really hits the fan.

I used to get a lot of people saying 'Oh, you are such a lucky granny.' But the fact of the matter is you can be a grandma at 35 these days.

I went on the pill when I was 16, put on four stone... so that proved to be a very effective contraceptive.