Well, we can skip childhood because I didn't have any. Not one goddam moment on the Good Ship Lollipop.

[To the mother of two unruly children in a restaurant after the woman said she really didn't know what to do with her children:] Have you tried infanticide?

I never go outside unless I look like Joan Crawford the movie star. If you want to see the girl next door, go next door.

I had always known what I wanted, and that was beauty... in every form... a beautiful house, beautiful man, a beautiful life and image. I was ambitious to get the money which would attain all that for me.

There's nothing wrong with my tits, but I don't go around throwing them in people's faces!

I, Joan Crawford, I believe in the dollar. Everything I earn, I spend.

Nobody can imitate me. You can always see impersonations of Katharine Hepburn and Marilyn Monroe. But not me. Because I've always drawn on myself only.