Write a diary, imagining that you are trying to make an old person jealous.

That's a big love letter," she says, squinting. I know what I'm going to say and for a moment I wish there was a film crew documenting my day-to-day life: "I've got a big heart," I say.

I would never say snog. I would say osculate." She looks at me as if to say: why do you exist?

Exercise II. Write a diary, imagining that you are trying to make an old person jealous. I have written an example to get you started: Dear Diary, I spent the morning admiring my skin elasticity. God alive, I feel supple.

I was camped at the same site as her: Broughton Farm. She came over to my tent and showed me her blisters. She asked me whether I knew the reason why a blister can keep on producing fluid ad infinitum. I said that I had always wondered the same thing about mucus. One of the reasons we are together is because we have similar interests.

Anger does not come easy to me. It is something I have to encourage, like a greyhound in second place.

Write a diary, imagining that you are trying to make an old person jealous.