It is strange to hear your mother talk about being human because, honestly, it's too easy to forget.

...I want to grab her collarbones as if they were handlebars.

Write a diary, imagining that you are trying to make an old person jealous.

There will be birds and if they write your name in the sky then you can get on the buses and if they don't you have to die on the floor.

Oh diary, I love her, I love her, I love her so much. Jordana is the most amazing person I have ever met. I could eat her. I could drink her blood. She's the only person I would allow to be shrunk to microscopic size and explore me in a tiny submersible machine. She is wonderful and beautiful and sensitive and funny and sexy. She's too good for me, she's too good for anyone! All I could do was let her know. I said: "I love you more than words. And I am a big fan of words.

I was camped at the same site as her: Broughton Farm. She came over to my tent and showed me her blisters. She asked me whether I knew the reason why a blister can keep on producing fluid ad infinitum. I said that I had always wondered the same thing about mucus. One of the reasons we are together is because we have similar interests.

I would never say snog. I would say osculate." She looks at me as if to say: why do you exist?