I love Chicago. I got on a bus and asked the driver, Do you go to the Loop? He said, No, I go beep-beep!

Today you can go to a gas station and find the cash register open and the toilets locked. They must think toilet paper is worth more than money.

I don't consider success doing a show for 30 years; I'm sorry. To me, you're successful when you graduate from something. I did a series, I did a talk show, I did movies, I replaced Mickey Rooney [on Broadway] in "Sugar Babies." You understand?

There are many things that I find attractive about a woman. Foremost to me, of course, would be a sense of humor-but that doesn't come in a bottle.

The other day I started to take a course in psycho-ceramics. What is psycho-ceramics? It's the study of crackpots.

The kick [of comedy] is to think quickly. It's a great kick.

You know how Van Nuys got its name? Well, one day my little old Jewish mother was visiting me, and I took her to the top of the Hollywood Hills and had her view the valley below just at sunset. Well, mama, what would you call that? And she said, Ver nize.