You know how Van Nuys got its name? Well, one day my little old Jewish mother was visiting me, and I took her to the top of the Hollywood Hills and had her view the valley below just at sunset. Well, mama, what would you call that? And she said, Ver nize.

I don't consider success doing a show for 30 years; I'm sorry. To me, you're successful when you graduate from something. I did a series, I did a talk show, I did movies, I replaced Mickey Rooney [on Broadway] in "Sugar Babies." You understand?

A woman driver went through a red light. The cop stopped her and said, Lady, didn't you see that red light? The woman said, You've seen one, you've seen them all.

There are many things that I find attractive about a woman. Foremost to me, of course, would be a sense of humor-but that doesn't come in a bottle.

You can cut your hair how you want, but I think you should get to where you wear it normal for the future.

I love Chicago. I got on a bus and asked the driver, Do you go to the Loop? He said, No, I go beep-beep!

The kick [of comedy] is to think quickly. It's a great kick.