You can cut your hair how you want, but I think you should get to where you wear it normal for the future.

Today you can go to a gas station and find the cash register open and the toilets locked. They must think toilet paper is worth more than money.

The kick [of comedy] is to think quickly. It's a great kick.

A woman driver went through a red light. The cop stopped her and said, Lady, didn't you see that red light? The woman said, You've seen one, you've seen them all.

The president of a TV network generously agreed to take his company's aptitude test, a test required of all the personnel. He did badly. As a result he was in a sullen mood for the rest of the day. When he got home that night, his wife asked why he looked so grouchy. I took the company's aptitude test this morning. What did it show? asked the wife. It showed, boomed the executive, that such tests are idiotic. That's what it showed.

There are many things that I find attractive about a woman. Foremost to me, of course, would be a sense of humor-but that doesn't come in a bottle.

The other day I started to take a course in psycho-ceramics. What is psycho-ceramics? It's the study of crackpots.