I've only ever been mistaken for myself. People draw a lot of comparisons to all of the round-faced, mustached men of entertainment that make me cringe and sick to my stomach about how the world really sees me and they're right.

I know electric knives are excellent for carving turkeys that have had their bones removed and been forced into a mold to shape them. Please note that those turkeys are called hams.

There is no ritual that enhances creativity other than just starting.

I have no skills. I mean, I can make jokes, I'm pretty good at talking to people on the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I can figure out what makes a pretty good story, and I can make eggs really well.

Specificity is the soul of narrative.

Just because you see an iceberg does not mean that there isn't global warming.

People who run for president seriously and people who become president enter a bizarre secret society in which they have had an experience that none of us will ever have.