Anybody who tells you to have a fallback plan are people who had a fallback plan, didn’t follow their dreams, and don’t want you to either.

I have masturbated myself out of serious problems in my life.

Life is like a box of crayons. Most people are the 8-color boxes, but what you're really looking for are the 64-color boxes with the sharpeners on the back. I fancy myself to be a 64-color box, though I've got a few missing.

I've never walked into a restaurant, asked for a table and been told, 'We're full.'

Sometimes I wish that I was the weather, you'd bring me up in conversation forever. And when it rained, I'd be the talk of the day.

[on Jessica Simpson] Yeah, that girl is like crack cocaine to me. Sexually it was crazy. That's all I'll say. It was like napalm, sexual napalm.

So scared of getting older, I'm only good at being young.