Life is a rotten lottery.

Stop blaming your parents. If you're really angry at 60 years old, you're an idiot! You've got to work some of it out.

Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday because I don't have to do anything except bring wine and go to my sister's all day and go to the movies with the family. So, actually, Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday, but there's not much comedy material on Thanksgiving. Melatonin really isn't that funny.

Nothing is more impotent than an unread library.

I mean, what is prison, really, except a good bar without the liquor?

Being rich is not about how much money you have or how many homes you own; it's the freedom to buy any book you want without looking at the price and wondering if you can afford it.

William Castle and Alfred Hitchcock were the first director-personalities. Before then, nobody in America knew what a director was.