When faced with two choices simply toss a coin. It works not because it settles the question for you, but because in that brief moment when the coin is in the air, you suddenly know what you are hoping for. If you love two people at the same time, choose the second one, because if you really loved the first one you wouldn't have fallen for the second.

It's awful bad luck to bring a woman aboard the ship." "It's awful worse luck not to.

When kids hit one year old, it's like hanging out with a miniature drunk. You have to hold onto them. They bump into things. They laugh and cry. They urinate. They vomit.

When you realize you're essentially you're God, there ain't nothing on earth more powerful than you, you can do anything you want.

I literally went from being unable to play my rent to being on a plane the next day, being paid peanuts.

I'm scared of boogers. If anyone ever showed me a booger I'd smash their face in.

There were so many great teachers that had so much to offer. The idea of being rigid, why would you do that? People have their things, but why be rigid with any education when you can take things from here and take things from there?