I am in no doubt that if you use the term 'luv' in a letter or text message then you are incapable of truly understanding the emotion. Artists have not pored over heartache and unrequited sentimentality for years so that our generation could decide that four letters is simply one too many to express how we feel.

I don't mean to hate people, I just get forced into it.

The last time I went back to a girl's house for an impromptu house party I spent most of the night straightening out rugs, putting down coasters and alphabetising DVDs while all around me people got off with whoever was closest and gradually headed off to various rooms to make more mess, no doubt.

I love paying tax so much, the sight of a gritter lorry gives me an erection.

I don’t need someone to complete me, I need someone to make things a little bit better every now and again.

Why do fools fall in love? I'll tell you why, because everybody else has simply got too much else to do.

It is so much easier to grieve for the dead than to care for the living. At least in death we are all perfect.