People - and I include myself - get fat because they choose pleasure over self-denial.

One Christmas build-up tradition, however, has totally bypassed me - that of going up to town and doing a show.

It seems that one moment I was this little kid only caring about animals and flowers and stuff, and then the next minute I was this raging stew of hormones. I don't know if you've ever been a raging stew of anything, but I wouldn't particularly recommend it.

Feminism seeks to turn the biggest, bloodiest carnivore in the world - passion - into a right-on cud-chewing vegan. It can never work. Sex was never meant to be that way. Sex, on the whole, was meant to be short, nasty and brutish. If what you want is cuddling, you should buy a puppy.

Knowing that the 'Sex and the City' chicks now rack up almost two centuries between them, why do some of us fuss and hiss about a bit of retouching on their forthcoming film poster?

Surely being a Professional Beauty - let alone an ageing one - is one of the most insecure and doomed careers imaginable.

I've never been nostalgic, personally or politically - if the past was so great, how come it's history?