It has been said that a pretty face is a passport. But it's not, it's a visa, and it runs out fast.

In Barcelona, things seem so different. For example, I know that it's traditionally the least Spanish city, but you'd never know they had a monarchy, coming here as a tourist - as opposed to the UK, where the Queen is probably the best-known animal, vegetable and/or mineral going when it comes to overseas visitors.

What sort of sap doesn't know by now that picture-perfect beauty is all done with smoke and mirrors anyway?

As a child, I wanted only two things - to be left alone to read my library books, and to get away from my provincial hometown and go to London to be a writer. And I always knew that when I got there, I wanted to make loads of money.

Show me a frigid woman and, nine times out of ten, I'll show you a little man.

I jest, of course; premature ejaculation isn't a laughing matter for anyone, except for your friends when you tell them about it on the phone the next morning. My first marriage ended because the main event was invariably over before my husband got his socks off.

If you want sex, have an affair. If you want a relationship, buy a dog.