The main purpose of children's parties is to remind you that there are children more awful than your own.

It has long been my boast that I can read or eat anything. But unfortunately, although I eat like a Hoover, I read so slowly that I am always on the smart book three years after everyone else has finished.

From a commercial point of view, if Christmas did not exist it would be necessary to invent it.

As ridiculous to approve of property and let a few men have a grossly unfair share of it, as say you are all for marriage, and then let one man have all the wives.

I wouldn't say when you've seen one Western you've seen the lot; but when you've seen the lot you get the feeling you've seen one.

I used to think the only use for sport was to give small boys something else to kick besides me.

Spring makes everything look filthy.