I always give homeless people money, and my friends yell at me, 'He's only going to buy more alcohol and cigarettes.' And I'm thinking, 'Oh, like I wasn't?'

I never have goals or dreams. My sister says it's pathetic and lazy, but I had a goal, to tell jokes to pay bills and not have to live in a trailer. So, I think I'm living my fantasy. I don't have another.

Kids? It's like living with homeless people. They're cute but they just chase you around all day long going, 'Can I have a dollar? I'm missing a shoe! I need a ride!

I don't really write jokes. I wait for stuff to happen in life, and then I tell it on stage.

I don't have a computer. I'm going to wait until that whole fad is over. I was suckered in on the Pet Rock. Not twice, people.

The bus scares me. Way too many gross people on the bus. Sixty-five people on the bus and I was the last one on. I felt like calling Unsolved Mysteries. 'Yeah, I found everybody.

I bowled for two years in college, because I was drunk and needed shoes.