It's a well-known fact that tall people are evil.

The worst thing about being lied to, is realizing they don't think you're worth the truth.

My daughter doesn't even get my humor. She's like, 'Um, no. I don't get it, Dad. Mmm, no, not that one, Dad.'

When you're coming up with new material, it's not always gonna be good. The only way to learn is for it not to get a laugh, so you can adjust it and come back the next day to see if it's working right. Next time, you might get a different laugh. You're constantly rebuilding.

At the end of the day, women are a distraction. Whether you realize it or not.

My baby is weird man... when he get mad, he gets in the oven.

I'm a health nut, but when I eat, I go hard.