The rewards for being sane may not be very many, but knowing what's funny is one of them.

Consciousness was upon him before he could get out of the way.

I'll pour you the first one and after that, if you don't have one, it's your own f****** fault. You know where it is.

Twentieth century music is like paedophilia. No matter how persuasively and persistently its champions urge their cause, it will never be accepted by the public at large, who will continue to regard it with incomprehension, outrage and repugnance.

A German wine label is one of the things life's too short for.

If you can't annoy somebody, there is little point in writing.

Yevgeny Yevtushenko: 'You atheist?' "Kingsley Amis: 'Well, yes, but it's more that I hate him.